Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Reflections during this holiday season

The holidays have taken on more meaning to me!  I have always loved this time of year....the decorations, goodwill towards fellow man and the love that fills the love that fills the air!  It's Christmas time!

Thanksgiving was a very reflective time for me......receiving news that the cancer was gone from my Pancreas was something to be so Thanfkul for!  It made me think of ALL the things that I am Thankful for and sent my mind into a tailspin....all the thoughts of thankfulness came flooding into me.  I AM TRULY BLESSED!  I am still trying to have all this wnderful news sink in and it does seep in a bit everyday!  I try to pass on my blessings to everyone else I come into contact with...it makes me feel comlete! I Love passing on the good things life and living have to offer.  I have found that some folks do not know how good they have it..... I am here to help people realize that each day of Life and LIVING is a MIRACLE!

I look back and am amazed at all the Beautiful people that have passed through my life and am truly Blessed to have known them and they certainly made me a better person just for the time I had known them.  

I struggle some days...with still being here and so many of my friends not. I do know that they are watching over me and smiling down saying, "YOU DID IT!  I keep all of you in my heart and I carry on for all of you! Actually, I think that at times...you all have carried me through the 3 1/2 years of treatment.  Thank you to all my Guardian Angels and God!

I find myself close to tears...at most points in my day.  It's not sad tears though,  they are tears of THANKFULLNESS. I am so looking forward to this Holiday season and many more.  Make sure to hold your loved ones close and let them know how much you mean to them.  Not only now , but all year through.  The realtionships we have are the Miracles I was talking about.  Make your interactions count. Enjoy the merriment of the season and carry it with you throughout the year.

 

 

 

turning the tables.....

I have just surpassed a milestone...1 year with out chemo and now it has seemed that my role, at least for now has changed a bit.  I am still dealing with being a Pancreatic cancer patient.  I am ok where and the road I have to travel.  It has been a blessing.  Yes, I said blessing.  So many wonderful things have happened on my journey the past 4 years and I would not have changed a thing.  Except for now.  My Mom had a mass removed that was covering her pancreas.  She had great doctors and will have wonderful followup care.  I am truly blessed as is my Mom!

The new thing for me is to be in the caregiver role.  I knew it must have been hard for my Mom to have seem me go through what I did!  But when the tables are turned, I am an emotional wreck.  Usually just on the inside....because I did not want my Mom to see how concerned, scared, worried that I was.  I asked God a long time ago.....that I never wanted anyone to go through what I have gone through.  I guess I should have worded it differently....as to say please do not afflict my family with Pancreatic issues.  But I guess that would not have worked either, since most of my family had or is diabetic.  So I guess God wants our family to take notice and make a difference in the fight against this disease.

I have been there for My Mom and spent some great quality time with her.  I have enjoyed this so much!  But I want my Mom to be safe and live her life without pain or discomfort.  It has made me realize that I want to spend as much time as I can with Mom and learn from her...listen to the stories of when she was young and the things she did and seen.  What a wonderful thing that is!  I feel very blessed to have my Mom still here and going strong!  I now know where I get my strength and courage from.

It was easy to be the patient, but being a caregiver is a hard road.  So many what ifs and answers that you may not want to hear, but you put on a brave face and carry on.  So for all you caregivers...YOU are the strength when we can not seem to carry on and the face we always want to see when we wake up....I just want to say THANK YOU for all you do.

1 year without chemo........

Getting ready to head back to get my scans this next week.  It has made me reflect on the time I have had without chemo being a part of my life.  It will mark 1 year that we stopped chemo and I took a leap of faith.  By that I mean that Doc Levin told me that I should take 3 moths off.  Of course I was scared!  I figured I had trusted him thus far with my life...why not trust him now!  He is brilliant and had brought to a point that I had only wished for and dreamt about.  I was free!  Or was I?

For me wanting to be done with my chemo meant that my cancer was all gone, right.  I was wrong.  The cancer is still there and I am not getting chemo?  WHAT....  And it has been a year.  If someone had told me in the beginning that it would have taken 3 years for this beast to bow down...I would of just laughed.  I originally thought it would be 6 months and I was done.  Boy was I surprised!  Not only at the length of time, but also my perseverance.  I am strong...I am invincible.  Or at least I like to think so.  :)  By this I mean I feel I could accomplisg anything that I put my mind to.

So having time off from chemo and just having scans can be a bit daunting at first.  Always having those pesky what if's popping into your mind.  Then as each scan came and went and my comfort increased.  I could feel the tension just relieving itself.  Maybe it was the my faith...I had chosen to let go of all this worry and hand it to God.  He is the one that saw me through this...why not give him this too.  I do have my days when that little devil tries to get me to think that something is wrong, but I just shoo him away and start enjoying the second chance that I have been given!  Maybe that is why I like to keep busy...it keeps your mind from filling up with negative thoughts.

So here is to 1 year without chemo....and my hope for many more to come!  I am BLESSED!

The memories we make... July 4th

As another 4th of July comes and goes, I remember back to when I was a kid.  It meant playing wth cousins that I had not seen in a while and a lot of great food, fireworks, and swimming.  When you get abit  older its about going out with your friends and making your good times. 4 years ago, it made really re-evaluate... everyday, every holiday. 

Rewind to July 4th, 2008.  My Mom and step dad John were up for my sisters wedding.  Just a few weeks prior, my diagnosis of Pancreatic cancer rocked my and my families world.  Were we really celebrating the 4th and a wedding.  Actually it was a perfect distraction!  Things do not look quite as bad when you are celebrating!  I remember I was surrounded by family and friends.  My family was happy that day....even living with the fact they were shell shocked a couple weeks before.  We carried on like nothing had happened, but I knew what was going in in my body and I chose to ignore that awful pain, anxiety and the what if's.  I had memories to make...I did not have time to dwell on what would or could be happening.   What a great celebration that was enjoyed by all!

Next July 4th, 2009.......

Well it is almost a year from the start of my treatment.  My niece was travelling back to Zion with me.  After Gettysburg, we headed to Buckhorn, KY to see my Mom and Stepdad, John.  We had a good visit and ate dinner at the Buckhorn Resort, but my step dad did not come...he was not feeling well.  Mom, Ash and I saw some of the best fireworks ever.  Who would of thought such a small town in Kentucky would have such a beautiful array of fireworks.  Ashley and I left and we said our good byes...who would have thought that would be the last time that we would see my stepdad alive.  He died of adenocarcinoma in August.  What a lovely man he was!  

July 4th, 2010

I was out to my friend Anne's camp...having a wonderful time fishing and hanging out with friends.  I knew I would see this day....but in the back of your mind, you always have these little doubts that pop in.  Oh and by the way...I did not touch the fish!!  I hate the way they feel!  So my best friend Anne would take them off for me.  I also learned that you could cast a rod from the lying down position....that way I could continue to have my tanning (with SPF 50) uninterrupted!!  LOL  We would go out first thing in the morning, it was so peaceful!  Love those times...they were priceless! We did not see fireworks that year, but we were having such a good time....we forgot all about them.  Great times

July 4th, 2011

Well this was another trip...it was Meg and I and we decided to spend the 4th in Gettysburg and take in the history and have a litte vacation as well.  We took the battlefield tour...With the cd guided tour I should say.  It made you feel like you were right there when this all happened.  So much history and We tried to take in everything.  Ate at some old amazing spots and took lots of pictures....I should say Meg took them all!  :)  As far as fireworks though, We had to find them.  We saw some, so we got in the car to find them......what an adventure.  We never did get to see them except for a couple that we saw from really far away.  But no matter....I am still here to celebrate another year!!

And for July 4th, 2012

 am in awe that I am still here to another 4th...spemd time with some famiy and friends.....enjoyed the fire works at the park...over looking the water.  The grand finale was amazing.  But what really ocurred was that I started looking back at how different each days were so different....may I kust look at them in different ways....depending on where I was in my cacner journey.  It is kinda like growing up again and reflecting back on those times of old.  Just feeling truly blessed present on this day in july.  

               PEACE and LOVE

                        Chris

 

 

Oh, the friends you meet........

During my journey, I have had the privilege to meet some wonderful people.  Most on the same journey as me.  You never know how people can affect you.  In my case, I mean in a good way.  Of course you do have have to take the good with the bad. LOL  

From the beginning of my journey...I needed help to calm my mind and body, so I could be strong to fight this beast.  Then a wonderful lady that happened to do Reiki came in to my life and made me feel at peace...for atleast 2 hours I thought.  Then I began to understand that slowing the mind and trying to concentrate on the here and now was something that was so vital in my survival...or peace of mind.  This became a huge part of me ...and one that I needed to get me through this battle in one piece.  It led me to meditation and then to yoga.  I am so grateful to Yvonne!  Thank you.

Then when my journey began at CTCA...I have met so many folks that have touched my life!  A few of them are still around.  For that we are blessed to have these warriors still with us.  Quite a few are not and I miss them! I think of them fondly and remember the times that I had with them and shed a few tears as well.  For they will never know how much of a positive impression that they left on me. I carry on my fight so they can see this journey through till we find a cure for this.

I have lost a couple of friends this week and it makes my heart very heavy.  I still struggle with these lossses.  I cry and wonder why couldnt they have made it...at least a bit longer.  But then I know that I have to trust the Big Guy upstairs. He has a plan...just like he has a plan for me.  Who am I to question him.  All I can say is Thank you for the time I was given with them!  I have truly blessed with wonderful friendship and love from all the folks that I have met and they have truly left their imprint on me.  It is a reminder to live each day to its fullest and just love life.  Keep smiling and the world will smile with you....along with those folks that are smiling down on you from heaven.

If I could shout out to the heavens...I would say THANK YOU ......for allowing me to be a part of your lives and for teaching me about true friendship and love..  

Wizard oOz..I man Cancering Heart, Courage, Brain and Getting Home

My title is a litte weird...is what you are saying. Well I was watching the Wizard of Oz the other night and the words...heart courage, brain and getting home were all the main topics I got from it and how it applies to my cancer journey. 
My latest blog..that would not post so here it is in copy and paste style...that's just how i roll right now anyway....LOL

Heart, Courage, Brain and Getting home...

These are main things that these wanders went to the Greatcity of OZ to get. This got me thinking about how in my journey, all these came up and I will explain, or atleast try to, hhow all these played a part in my cancer journey. A Heart.... When my journey started, I was a workaholic. I never took time for anything but my work and getting a good workout in at lunch. I would go back to work and go about my day...not taking in the beauty and wonders that are in your everyday life. I some how had gotten lost over many years. I do not know how...maybe when my Dad died, a piece of me died too. My heart was very guarded from everything. Then cancer and your whole way of life flashes before your eyes and then you take a good hard look in the mirror. I did not like who I saw and knew this needed to change...allow people in to help and allow their love to envelope you and you know that heart that had been lost started regaining strength. For every person that I allowed in...my heart and spirit grew stronger. I thought I could make through this life on my own, But boy was I WRONG. The more folks you let in the more love you can feel and that can take you many places and give you the strength to conquer anything.

Courage......I never knew what I had in me until cancer came a knocking. I was so scared, but determined but if i had no courage then I feel I would not have made the right choices or taken the leap of faith to go over 1200 miles away for a facility (CTCA). And then to endure the treatments...the first 4 months were the hardest. But with courage.....I continued on for over 3 years of treatment. I lived each day like I was not sick, but I knew my body was so different and I had to take into consideration that my body can't do what it once did. But with courage I persevere. I push myself so that one day I will be able to do a mini marathon, triathlon to raise awareness for Pancreatic cancer and for CTCA. Courage has gotten me from where I was 4 years ago to Today.....a 4 year SURVIVOR of Pancreatic cancer 

Brain...... I guess you could consider me like the scarecrow. If I only had a brain. LOL You feel like that with a chemo brain. :) I have not been hard on my self, but it is difficult to go from a great brain to one that is in a fog most of the time. I am being patient with myself...or trying to anyway. I thought that chemo brain would slowly disappear after you chemo stopped. Well that is not the case. But that is okay. I am adapting though. I am just so happy to be Alive that having a brain deficiency at times...is more than Ok with me.

Getting home.....for me this means the end of the cancer journey. I know the journey can start back at any time. But right now I am enjoying getting home and living my life. I know that at any time cancer can come back. it takes courage to just live. especially when you know that if you look over your shoulder...that cancer is in your view. I just don't look back anymore. All I look to are the day, the moments that we have.

Wizard of Oz... I mean cancering. Heart, Courage, Brain, and Getting home

My title is a litte weird...is what you are saying. Well I was watching the Wizard of Oz the other night and the words...heart courage, brain and getting home were all the main topics I got from it and how it applies to my cancer journey. 
My latest blog..that would not post so here it is in copy and paste style...that's just how i roll right now anyway....LOL

Heart, Courage, Brain and Getting home...

These are main things that these wanders went to the Greatcity of OZ to get. This got me thinking about how in my journey, all these came up and I will explain, or atleast try to, hhow all these played a part in my cancer journey. A Heart.... When my journey started, I was a workaholic. I never took time for anything but my work and getting a good workout in at lunch. I would go back to work and go about my day...not taking in the beauty and wonders that are in your everyday life. I some how had gotten lost over many years. I do not know how...maybe when my Dad died, a piece of me died too. My heart was very guarded from everything. Then cancer and your whole way of life flashes before your eyes and then you take a good hard look in the mirror. I did not like who I saw and knew this needed to change...allow people in to help and allow their love to envelope you and you know that heart that had been lost started regaining strength. For every person that I allowed in...my heart and spirit grew stronger. I thought I could make through this life on my own, But boy was I WRONG. The more folks you let in the more love you can feel and that can take you many places and give you the strength to conquer anything.

Courage......I never knew what I had in me until cancer came a knocking. I was so scared, but determined but if i had no courage then I feel I would not have made the right choices or taken the leap of faith to go over 1200 miles away for a facility (CTCA). And then to endure the treatments...the first 4 months were the hardest. But with courage.....I continued on for over 3 years of treatment. I lived each day like I was not sick, but I knew my body was so different and I had to take into consideration that my body can't do what it once did. But with courage I persevere. I push myself so that one day I will be able to do a mini marathon, triathlon to raise awareness for Pancreatic cancer and for CTCA. Courage has gotten me from where I was 4 years ago to Today.....a 4 year SURVIVOR of Pancreatic cancer 

Brain...... I guess you could consider me like the scarecrow. If I only had a brain. LOL You feel like that with a chemo brain. :) I have not been hard on my self, but it is difficult to go from a great brain to one that is in a fog most of the time. I am being patient with myself...or trying to anyway. I thought that chemo brain would slowly disappear after you chemo stopped. Well that is not the case. But that is okay. I am adapting though. I am just so happy to be Alive that having a brain deficiency at times...is more than Ok with me.

Getting home.....for me this means the end of the cancer journey. I know the journey can start back at any time. But right now I am enjoying getting home and living my life. I know that at any time cancer can come back. it takes courage to just live. especially when you know that if you look over your shoulder...that cancer is in your view. I just don't look back anymore. All I look to are the day, the moments that we have.

Wizard of Oz...heart, courage, brain, and getting home

My title is a litte weird...is what you are saying.  Well I was watching the Wizard of Oz the other night and the words...heart courage, brain and getting home were all the main things that these wanders went to the Great city of OZ to get.  This got me thinking about how in my journey, all these came up and I will explain, or atleast try to, hhow all these played a part in my cancer journey.  A Heart....  When my journey started, I was a workaholic.  I never took time for anything but my work and getting a good workout in at lunch.  I would go back to work and go about my day...not taking in the beauty and wonders that are in your everyday life.  I some how had gotten lost over many years.  I do not know how...maybe when my Dad died, a piece of me died too.  My heart was very guarded from everything.  Then cancer and your whole way of life flashes before your eyes and then you take a good hard look in the mirror.  I did not like who I saw and knew this needed to change...allow people in to help and allow their love to envelope you and you know that heart that had been lost started regaining strength.  For every person that I allowed in...my heart and spirit grew stronger.  I thought I could make through this life on my own, But boy was I WRONG.  The more folks you let in the more love you can feel and that can take you many places and give you the strength to conquer anything.

Courage......I never knew what I had in me until cancer came a knocking.  I was so scared, but determined but if i had no courage then I feel I would not have made the right choices or taken the leap of faith to go over 1200 miles away for a facility (CTCA).  And then to endure the treatments...the first 4 months were the hardest.  But with courage.....I continued on for over 3 years of treatment.  I lived each day like I was not sick, but I knew my body was so different and I had to take into consideration that my body can do what it once did.  But with courage I persevere.  I push myself so that one day I will be able to do a mini marathon, triathlon to raise awareness for Pancreatic cancer and for CTCA.  Courage has gotten me from where I was 4 years ago to Today.....a 4 year SURVIVOR of Pancreatic cancer 

Brain...... I guess you could consider me like the scarecrow.  If I only had a brain.  LOL  You feel like that with a chemo brain.  :)  I have not been hard on my self, but it is difficult to go from a great brain to one that is in a fog most of the time.  I am being patient with myself...or trying to anyway.  I thought that chemo brain would slowly disappear after you chemo stopped.  Well that is not the case.  But that is okay.  I am adapting though.  I am just so happy to be Alive that having a brain deficiency at times...is more than Ok with me.

Getting home.....for me this means the end of the cancer journey.  I know the journey can start back at any time.  But right now I am enjoying getting home and living my life. I know that at any time cancer can come back.  it takes courage to just live.  especially when you know that if you look over your shoulder...that cancer is in your view.  I just don't look back anymore.  All I look to are the day, the moments that we have.

Reflections........ on surviving Pancreatic cancer for 4 years

Today is June 16th, 2012.  
    It has been 4 years since I was told that I had Pancreatic cancer.  So today I celebrate the fact that I am ALIVE and beat the odds that were given me...6 months.  
My journey has been a long road, but one I would not have changed for the world.  That may sound odd to most, but this has literally been a life changing experience.....spiritually, physically, emotionally.  But it made me figure out who I am..... I found my inner light., which had seemed to go out some years ago. Now armed with my new found faith, some divine intervention ...I have the determination to beat this vicious disease.
I have been truly blessed to have met some of the most special people.on my journey.....Cindy and Pete, Joe and Lois... These folks helped me to regain my faith :), Stephanie, Pam and Gary, Doug and his Dad, Patrick and Sherry and so many more.   I have lost many, but am truly blessed to have had the privilege to have these folks in my life...if only for a short time.  I cannot say how much I enjoyed you all and the time we were given with each other.  You truly helped me enjoy one of the hardest times of my life.  I do not know if that makes sense, but I figure I might as well enjoy the ride....and I did.  
     I have learned to take in life, not just let it happen and not get enjoyment out of it.  Sometimes I have to remember this, but I learned that it is the small things that are the most important to enjoy.  
I have pushed my body to it's limits....not only with chemo, but to see what it could do while chemo was flowing through.  I have been able to keep up with some walking at first, then added going to the gym, then some jogging and now P90x...taking my time on this though.  However this was a far cry from what I was like when I was first diagnosed.
  Upon my diagnosis,  I was so tired and could barely get out of bed.  My big thing was to take a walk or try to do some weed wacking.  but had no energy or strength.  Even the first few months of chemo, 4 months to be exact, I was knocked down physically.  But I still persevered on!  I did not want the cancer to see that it had the upper hand.  I did not want to show it (cancer) that I had any weaknesses.  Mentally or physically.  
     I still have this attitude today.  I am so proud so how far I have come through all of this!  I am so Thankful to God, my family, especially my Mom, Dr. Levin, Dr. Vereault and all the other great Doctors and supporting staff that has taken such good care of me.  I Love you all!!  
    I am strong and I feel that I have been given a second chance and I am going to make it count.  I will do everything in my power to make sure that Pancreatic cancer gets noticed and a cure will be found!  I have so many friends and fellow warriors that have lost their battles......I am carry the them with me everywhere and we will see a day when there will be no more afflicted by this disease. 

Things on my mind

I have been thinking of many things to write about.  So many things going on.  I am so happy that my Mom;s mass that she had remove came back with no evidence of cancer.  This mass cover her opening to her Pancreas!  I am feeling so blessed!
The next thing is that a true warrior just lost his battle with Pancreatic cancer....he had just turned 11 years old.  This hit me like a ton of bricks!  I had a good morning...breakfast and coffee with my Mom and then suddenly I felt my heart get really heavy and I could not seem to get out of the funk.  Then later that day...I found out that this courageous little warrior had passed away.  What a strong young man.  I had never met him, but his impact on me was tremendous! I cried and then realized that this little guy is in no more pain and has touched so many.  This had made me realize that I need to do MORE!!  This beast has taken too many and now an 11 year old boy.  
     I have started to get into shape...my dream to run, bike to raise awareness to this disease and for every step I take,  I will have Denali, Ernie, Pam, Patrick, Doug and my other fellow warriors on my back as I complete my mission to raise awareness.  You all are my heroes!
So please do what you can to raise awareness.  We all are affected by cancer....do your part!